i saw you...you saw me...but it felt like you didn't see me at all...

I met you at a time when I was losing faith with the magic of love…I was nursing a broken heart, a badly broken heart back then… I was bitter ‘bout life, what with the tons of misadventures and pain my heart had endured…And the very last thing on my mind was to find a new love…I really thought that after my recent heartbreak it would take eons for me to find someone to make my precious heart flutter again…I thought it would be long before again I’d stare at nothing and then smile giddily for no exact reason at all…

I even swore to be a man-hater…

I was wrong…I failed…

Terribly, I must admit…

Because out of the blue…

you came…

We crossed paths at a time when I never intended to have any connection with anyone that is much deeper than friendship. Honestly, I wasn’t even expecting us to be friends. You belong to a different league and I wasn’t part of that league… In fairness to you, not even once did you ever make me feel out of your league… But I guess fate interfered and without us knowing, we became friends…we became close…

I never intended to cross the borderline of friendship…but somehow, somewhere, along the way I did unknowingly… I don’t even know when it started…I don’t know when I started to treasure you as more than a friend… I was trying pretty hard to keep what I really feel about you since we have some common friends… But I feel ungrateful to you every time I try to stop myself from reciprocating… I was just afraid to get my heart broken again… And I know you deserve someone better than me…

Yet though I know it, I wasn’t able to control my heart and stop liking you… How could I? When you never fail to make me smile…When you never fail to amuse me…When you never fail to care for me… When you never fail to make me feel special… I could never exactly explain the happiness I feel whenever we’re together…

***, being with you felt like heaven…

I wished those times lasted forever…but they didn’t… It was my fault…No one else to blame but me… I got mad at you for something I wasn’t even sure you did… for something I now realized I don’t have the right to get mad at if ever you did that… And worst, I didn’t even tell you what you did ‘wrong’… I suddenly became irrational and since I feel hurt I in turn made you look like a fool… You tried to patch things up but I stayed indifferent to you… You got tired… got tired of me I guess… so you gave me a dose of my own medicine… You became cold to me and that’s when I realized how foolish my actions were… I tried so hard to make it up to you… I did things I never imagined I would do for a guy just to make it up with you… But then you stayed cold… Those two weeks were the hardest two weeks of my life… I was crying every night… I can’t even think straight that time… You were hurting me so much already… and I was on the verge of just giving up on you…

But I didn’t… Because no matter how hard I try, I can’t… I just can’t let you go… Not when we almost made it through… Not when I am sure that I have already fallen in love with you… Not now that I am sure that I love you…

I guess you took pity on me…hehe… You decided to give you and I another chance… but this time I feel like there’s a wall between us already… Yet I don’t care… I knew everything would go back to the way they used to be… and they did… Unfortunately, classes are going to end as well… I was really sad since we’ll no longer have ‘sure days’ to see each other… I was afraid that over the break you’ll meet someone else who’ll make you smile a lot brighter and make you feel more loved… I guess you didn’t, because we kept our communication going on… and though we don’t get the chance to see each other often, I am still happy… I am contented in knowing that I have you and you have me…

But as days go by, I feel like we’re losing each other… We’re growing apart though I don’t want to admit it… I no longer know everything that’s happening in your world neither do you know everything that’s happening on mine that’s why I wrote that article on my blog which I shouldn’t have written…my deepest regret… Still I tried to hold on to what we have… I know I love you… but then now I was never sure if you really do… I know actions speak louder than words but sometimes those three words are needed to be spoken out loud…for me to hear…

I would have still hold on, ***… if only we didn’t see each other a couple of days ago… You were cold to me for a reason I am not aware of… I am so confused why so suddenly you acted like you didn’t know me for just two weeks before that, we were together, talking and laughing like nothing changed at all… and then I saw you… you saw me… but it felt like you didn’t see me at all…

You broke my heart right there and then… It was shattered into a million pieces and up to this day, I haven’t collected every darn piece of it… I don’t know when it’ll be whole again… I don’t know what’s gonna happen next to you and I…

Is it over? Are we over for quite a time already and we’re both just cowards to admit it? I don’t want to answer this right now… I still want to think… think about you… about me… about you and I for just one more time before we say it’s over… I could never say ‘us’ since we never made ‘us’ official… But, I wished we did… I wished we were brave enough to tell each other openly how we feel… I wished we had guts to tell everyone that we love each other… I wished I never gave up on us…because I did, though I didn’t tell you, every time I realize that you are too good of a man for me…

If ever this is the end of our story, I want you to know that I never regretted knowing you…

I never regret loving you, ***…

I am not letting go because I don’t love you anymore… in fact, it is the other way around…
I know in this life there will never be another you… You changed me in more ways than one… You made me a better person without you even knowing about it… and I am really thankful… I will forever treasure what we had…This is not goodbye, for you will always be part of me…

We had our chance but I guess we’re just not meant… not right now perhaps… perhaps for the two of us in this certain time, love is not enough to make it work… we have to accept that truth for now…

Until the day we’ll cross paths again… I’ll be waiting for you, for ‘us’… but if ever that day never comes I’ll just wait for the one that God really willed me to have and share the rest of my life with… I’ll just wait patiently for my destiny, though I really hope it’s you, no matter how long it would take him to find me… because once you’ve tasted manna from heaven why be contented with bread? Ayt!?

I want you to be happy…

Godbless!