how i wish i momentarily died at 4:00pm yesterday

this is the last time i'll ever say anything about what happened yesterday.
this time i will do away with the ambiguity i always incorporate with what i write in here.
this time i will be simply frank and honest about how i really felt.

i shed a lot of tears yesterday to the point that my eyes really really hurt. i was even feeling embarassed to show my face to my mother when i came home. i was afraid she'd notice and ask me why my eyes looked so puffy and i was afraid that i would not be able to control my emotions again and burst into yet another stream of tears. she noticed, yes, but she didn't ask. thank you Lord.

so why did i cry?
i felt disappointed with someone. i want to make it clear that that someone is not her (yes, i was disappointed with her for not doing her assigned duties for our committee but that was a different kind of disappointment.. it, indeed, made me feel bad but that would not be something i would cry about despite my being a cry-baby). well yes, everything started because of that issue with her and so i guess she's somehow part of the reason but really the tears weren't shed for or because of her..

i felt disappointed in a friend. someone whom i thought would have known me by now.. someone i least expected to make me feel this bad.. someone whom I thought understood me.. apparently, i expected too much..

maybe you had good intentions for telling me what you told me.. but you know what, you could have first asked me about what really happened (like what I expected a friend would do), about why I wasn't feeling friendly with her lately.. you could have also asked me first if i was the one who started the 'talk' about her because honestly speaking, i wasn't the one.. but you did not. when you talked to me, you already had an assumption/conclusion about what happened or what is happening. too bad for me i guess, i could no longer plead my case.

but you know what hurts more? it was when you made me feel that her feelings are more important than my feelings... that you chose to protect her than protect me.. it all felt like, all of a sudden, i was the bad girl and she was the good girl. and it was so unfair. that was so unfair. you made me feel like i am a member of the organization first more than i am your friend and that was the hardest slap in my face i have ever received in my life.

once again, maybe you didn't intend to make me feel this bad but that was how it felt... and it hurts more so because of the frustration i felt that you don't seem to realize that i was hurt because of you.. yes, it was because of you, it was because of the words you said and how those words made me feel. and so how i wish that 4:00 pm never existed in our friendship, how i wish.. because now, i feel sort of disenchanted and lost with that friendship.. i don't know how to make things go back to normal.. right now, honestly i don't know if it's possible to go back to the way things used to be.. and that actually hurts me most.

this is so unlike me.. as much as possible i choose to suffer in silence because i am afraid that i might utter words which might cause unhealable wounds.. but i guess sometimes i just have to stop caring about other's feelings and think about myself first naman.. i think i should start caring for my feelings naman.

you kept asking me this yesterday.. "naiintindihan mo naman ako ayen di ba?" and i so wanted to ask you this too, "ikaw, naiintindihan mo ba ako?" kasi kung oo, hinde sana nangyari 'to..

sorry, dito ko dinaan kasi nung sasabihin ko na kasi sana ang totoo sa'yo kagabi, saka mo naman kailangan nang umalis..

if this may seem to be so harsh, i guess i'm sorry (?) but this is really how i felt, how i feel.
i don't want to pretend that i am ok because i really am not.